Part 3a: Separated for Increase (but I miss my boo)

THE MASH-UP: Purposed Isolation = Better Individuals = Better Relationships

Emotional distance in a relationship is a pain in the ass. It definitely doesn’t feel good.

If one partner is disconnected while the other is all-in, then for that person the question “is it me?” becomes a dark cloud that just looms over head. I’m experiencing emotional distance in my relationship right now and let’s just say I’m not the one disconnected (this time)… UGH.

The Context Historically, God uses purposed isolation to bring about unparalleled individual growth. Purposed Isolation is what I call it when a person is disconnected from people or things because they are experiencing a yearning from MORE. They can’t exactly express what that “more” is but they are confident what they have is not satisfying them on their deepest level. I think the emotional distance I’m feeling in my relationship right now is actually a purposed isolation occurring within my BF. We love each other (that’s not in question) yet there’s something that he is not finding in this relationship. We went through this before only I was the one disconnected. (Unfortunately for him, I moved cross country & we broke up for a while… *shrugs – don’t judge me.* BTW, I am doing much better now. Thanks for asking.)

The Backstory

When we went through emotional distance before (due to my purposed isolation) it felt like he was constantly reaching out to me but I knew I wasn’t reciprocating emotionally. My “I LOVE YOUs” were honest and yet laced with so many internal questions that I knew he felt the hesitation. He would call me and put out effort but I couldn’t focus on him with a yearning more that great inside of me. For the record, now I know that sucked for him! In the end, it was better for him and US that I grow up into a better Sherrie – closer to God’s original design.

The Truth beyond The Facts

He is my gift from God. I now value him on a much deeper level. I am learning how to express my love, respect, and appreciation in a way that he experiences it (beyond the words). I am eternally grateful that we’re back together. I am committed to him and US as we ride out his purposed isolation. Babe, if you ever read this, I LOVE YOU and I see you in MY future!

More to Come Shhh… don’t tell my BF but I am going to let you in on a private conversation I had with him in my head. (Yes, I said, “in my head”) He hasn’t heard it yet because I don’t know if it’s the right time. But I’m a writer and I had to get it out so shhh (look for it in Part 3B)…

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9 thoughts on “Part 3a: Separated for Increase (but I miss my boo)

  1. when you are in the midst of isolation it can feel like an entirity, the reality is that these few days, weeks, even short years don’t event compare or add up to the lifetime that you will have with your beloved. Feel at peace in the space and allow for the movement and growth to happen.

    1. “feel at peace in the space” Yessss!!! so true j.lAUREN!!!! That’s the place that needs to be embraced or one can begin to react destructively (i’ve had one or six of those moments). Ooops – but I learn. And as you always say, “no judgement.”

  2. my two cents: Being in a long distance relationship, I am feeling like the one who is doing the purposed isolation secondary to that desire for more so I can relate but I can offer a different perspective (I hope). For me, the isolation is a defense mechanism. I miss him, I love him, I want him here but he is not. So instead of looking into those feelings and understanding the place from which they derive, I isolate. I answer the phone as if its just another person on just another day. My excitement/interest in phone converstaions have waned because I am tired of the same ole same ole. Here is another converstaion over the phone… (Yippie!-sarcasm) But I am missing something, something deeper…. and to be quite frank, I would like the warmth next to me in my bed. The days Ive had a hard day, I dont want to call, I want to say, “come over.” When Im fighting with you, I dont want to hang up on you, I want you to see the intensity in my eyes telling you I am pissed. I also want to look like I have a partner. I dont want to have to go to every where/every event stag. I am a part of a twosome feeling like everyone is thinking I am a lesbian or a lonely old woman (cuz Im 30 now) lol Damn that! lol but then I come back to reality and I know that I love him, so we have come up with ways to conquer my purposed isolations.
    1) I have learned to recognize it. When I start hearing key words from him like, “Why are you so short with me?” I take a moment and think about whether he pissed me off or whether its me missing him. (your love should learn the difference)
    2) We SKPYE or use some digital program that allows us to see each other. Just yesterday, he watched me do the dishes and I watched him fight sleep just so he can watch me do the dishes. lol
    3) When I felt the isolation was turning into me convincing myself that this long distance relationship was NOT for me, we arranged for him to come here sooner than we had initially planned. (he will be here in 2 days :)) Impromptu trips when you can can make a world of a difference.

    Ok so I have gotten way too personal and way too long but I encourage you to encourage him to undertsand and recognize the purposed isolation and what it means for him. Help him tap into his feelings and come up with ways to make him feel more connected to you. If he is what you say he is to you, ride this out ….. you just gotta get creative 🙂

    1. Who knew that my sharing would lead to more sharing… I love it! Thanks Lo for keeping me company on this journey. I like the 3 steps you outlined. And I definitely think he might identify with your description better than mine of what’s going on in his world. Lol. He said the other day, “Babes, talk to me straight.” Lmbo. Even the piece of knowing the difference between “pissed vs. missed.” GOOD STUFF.

      I find it difficult to help him tap into his feelings but i’ll keep sharing mine and asking “what do you think?” 😉

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